When I was 14, my parents sent me to France to live with a family over the Summer, in the hope that I would learn some French and come back mature, well-rounded and independent (and I think they wanted a break from my teenage mega-strops). I did come back speaking French, so it half worked. Not only was it a linguistic journey, it was also a culinary experience that has stayed with me to this day.
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At the heart of my work with the parents of picky eaters is a secret. An idea that is extremely simple and yet can be very hard to accept. I call it 'The Feeding Paradox'. Here it is. 'The harder you try, the worse things will get'
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I am always telling parents who have concerns about their child's eating to get their child's growth checked. In fact, I won't take on new clients unless they have done this. If you are teetering on the brink of a decision to make some changes regarding your child's eating, getting their weight and growth checked should be your next move.
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For the most part, children's mealtime behaviour happens behind closed doors. However, whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas or a feast day from another cultural tradition, big family meals mean eating in front of many people - often a time when parents of fussy eaters feel judged. Many parents tell me that they avoid revealing the full extent of their child's restricted eating because they are embarrassed about it or feel that it's some kind of reflection on them. At big family meals, there's nowhere to hide.
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My last post was all about what research tells us about the importance of eating together as a family whenever possible. When I came across a study earlier this week about the impact of feeding children the same meal as the rest of the family, it seemed like the ideal follow on. Eat together - eat the same.
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Since ancient times, eating has been a communal business. We celebrate with food. We use food to mark significant cultural occasions. We re-group at the end of the day and share a meal along with our news. In recent times, however, there are so many demands on our time that the family meal is no longer the institution it used to be.
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It was a huge pleasure to work with Michelle - I wanted to share this video so that other parents can understand that they are not alone with their concerns about picky eating. It is a really common problem and can cause a huge amount of stress to parents and children alike. Luckily, there are some straightforward changes that you can make to family life which will make an enormous amount of difference.
I have a two year old. This means that a lot of my time is spent picking food up from every visible surface (and some less visible ones... it's amazing what the underside of a booster-seat can harbour). Sometimes this is frustrating, sometimes it's plain disgusting. It is, however, essential. Here are three reasons why messy mealtimes are so important:
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Ever stopped to consider the myriad ways you try to get your child to eat? In this post, I'll be looking at what we do to encourage our kids to eat, why we do it and what effect it has.
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Dana Snook is a family nutrition expert based in New Jersey, USA. When we were chatting over twitter and Dana mentioned that she had done some training with Ellyn Satter that had radically changed how she worked with families , I was keen to hear more. I invited Dana to write a guest post about what she had got from learning from Ellyn Satter and how it had shaped her as a professional.
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This EAF principle is all about the importance of your emotional reaction to your child's eating. Why is it important? Well, because your feelings have a profound effect on your child's eating behaviour.
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This month I will be publishing a series of posts summarising the rules. If you don't have time to read my about picky eating, or you prefer your parenting advice in small bites, this series is for you. Although it is based in psychological theory and research, EAF is a straightforward and practical philosophy that can be reduced to a few simple rules and principles. Here is the first :
Mealtime criticism comes in many forms. It's very easy to compare your child's eating to that of siblings "why can't you be a good eater like Isobel?" This makes your child feel labelled and will actually make picky eating worse. It's amazing how children will live up to your expectations, both positive or negative.
Sometimes parents criticise manners - it's fine to work on the finer points of eating behaviour like finishing a mouthful before talking or improving cutlery skills when your child is eating well and enjoying meals. Until that point, concentrate on making meals as relaxed as possible. This is not achievable if you spend a lot of time telling your child what they are doing wrong.
If you give your child attention that is related to how or what they are eating (whether through criticism or praise) you are conveying a message that eating is a behaviour you want your child to 'perform' for you. This immediately gives them an opening to use it as an emotional lever. You can read more about why this is unhelpful . Of course, if you are worried about your child's fussiness, your natural instinct will be to praise her when she eats well. Don't! It sounds counter-intuitive but ignoring both good and bad eating is one of the keys to solving it.
If you praise or criticise your child for what goes into her mouth, you are bringing the focus sharply onto her eating. This piles the pressure on. Let her make her own decisions about how much she eats (within the context of appropriate meals and snacks offered by you) . Instead of concentrating on what's being consumed, concentrate on the social side of eating - research tells us that the happier and calmer meals can be, the better your child will eat.
When I work with the families of picky eaters, I begin with an in-depth assessment. Parents are expecting my questions about how feeding progressed in the early days and about the transition from breast or bottle to solids. What they are not necessarily expecting are questions about their own food history.
We all bring our own unique baggage to the task of parenting. Our attitudes and beliefs are very much shaped by our childhood experiences. Sometimes we unconsciously repeat how we were parented, sometimes we very consciously choose to do things differently. Either way, our own pasts are there in the background.
I call the thoughts and feelings associated with eating that we carry with us from childhood our 'food legacy'. Until you have spent time thinking and talking about your food legacy, you won't be able to fully appreciate how it impacts on your child's relationship with food.
Let me give you an example. In one of the case studies I did when I was researching , I spoke to a mother who met my initial question about her relationship with food with surprise. She told me that she loves eating, she's a keen cook and has no issues with food whatsoever. After a little probing, however, she started to tell me about some painful childhood memories of meals where her very authoritarian father would make her stay at the table for hours until she had finished everything on her plate. She began to see that her attitude to her son's eating was coloured by this - she never wanted him to go through what she had and so if he didn't like his meal, she'd prepare him an alternative.
Another parent* I spoke to frequently went hungry as a child. As a result, she was very sensitive to her daughter saying she was hungry and would let her take biscuits to bed with her. Her daughter was a bright little girl and soon saw that she could pursuade her mother to give her snacks just by crying and saying she was hungry. Soon, she had no appetite at mealtimes and things went from bad to worse.
The following questions will get you started on the process of examining your food legacy. Take some time to talk through your responses with a friend or partner.
1) Was food used to punish or reward when you were growing up?
2)What food rules did your parent/s or carers have for you as a child?
3) How do these differ from the mealtime rules you have established in your house?
4) What is your happiest food memory?
5)What is your worst food memory?
Sometimes, your food legacy will be mostly positive - perhaps your parents were laid back about eating and you grew up enjoying food as a family. For others, food can be a life-long demon to battle. If you feel you have issues around food that you cannot manage by yourself, seek help. Eating disorders are really common, for example, a recent US study found that about half a million American teens struggle with disordered eating. There are many good websites in the US and in the UK , that can point you in the direction of further support.
Once you've gained some insight into your own relationship with food and have an understanding about where your beliefs and attitudes come from, you will be in a very strong position from which to work on your child's fussy eating. You will find it much easier to genuinely relax at mealtimes and to process the emotions that come up for you when your child refuses food.
* Note: Any cases referred to are reproduced with permission
Simone Emery is mother of 2, wife and owner of Play with Food in Sydney, Australia. Simone has a masters degree in food studies, certificate in childrens nutrition and attended SOS Feeding Therapy training. Play with Food run healthy eating experiences for children. Play with Food offer set programs and can also tailor workshops or programs to groups. Here is my Interview with Simone.
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These days, my stock response to most of what life has to throw at me is "I've got an app for that...". I came late to the world of smartphones and the novelty still hasn't worn off. I'm repeatedly amazed that I can find my way around, find out what the weather has in store and do my shopping - all with just a finger-swipe. So when I discovered that there were several apps on the market for picky eaters, I was interested to see what they had to offer. Here's what I found:
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The no thank-you bite is everywhere. The concept is this: your child can leave whatever they wish, but they must try a bite of everything. If they don't like something they have tried, they can politely refuse to eat any more. This resembles in that children are encouraged to be polite and respectful about disliking something on their plates. Equally, for the most part, it is up to them how much of their meal they consume. However, once you insist on a no thank-you bite, you cannot truly end the entanglement of food and feelings that is to blame for so many cases of picky eating. I would even go so far as to say that I believe that using this technique will make picky eating worse.
The key to solving picky eating (or at least, one key on a large bunch) is the idea that you need to stop making eating a behaviour you require your child to perform for you. In her excellent book Lets Get This Potty Started (it's about toilet training in case you hadn't guessed...) Dr Heather Wittenburg makes the point that natural bodily functions should not be lumped in with other desired behaviours. As she puts it:
"In most area of your child's life, YOU are the boss. You decide most of her daily happenings. But her bodily functions are different - you can't control those............ you can't force a child to eat, poop or sleep"
Dr Heather is right. The moment you start trying to force, coerce or even gently persuade your child to eat, sleep or defecate, she can begin to use these areas as an arena to assert the control and autonomy that young children strive for - you will have a fight on your hands. Instead, set things up so that the conditions are right ( the meals are appropriately timed and nutritious, the bedtime routine is in place and your child is tired... the potty is on hand and the environment is relaxed...) then leave the rest to your child. Think of the proverbial thirsty horse. You can lead it to water and IT will decide if it's going to drink. Your job is simply to make sure that the trough is full.
With EAF, eating is no longer seen by your child as something they are doing for you. They eat because they are hungry - when they eat (or not) because of how they think you will react, whether this is to please you or test you, you they are eating for the wrong reasons. In my experience, a huge proportion of cases of picky eating are down to children being in the habit of using food as a weapon in a power battle. Here's the solution: if you always let your child make her own choices about how much she eats and you remain emotionally neutral and relaxed about her decisions, she will learn to eat only because her body tells her to. Once you introduce the no thank- you bite, this separation of food and feelings has gone out the window.
This post by The Feeding Doctor explains that the no thank-you bite rule does not allow for children having different temperaments. For some children, insisting they try a bite of something will escalate into an almighty power battle that will not help your child's relationship with food.
If you decide to ditch the no-thank you bite but you still want your child to have the multiple exposures that research shows are vital to the acceptance of new foods, what do you do? The answer is simple, but requires a little determination to carry out consitently. You regularly serve nutritious and varied food in a relaxed and positive atmosphere, taking all the pressure off your child to eat it. As author and founder of Chop Chop Magazine Sally Sampson writes (for the New York Times), when explaining why she advises against the no thank-you bite:
"Children who won’t taste don’t get nudged or judged. The 10th time you serve them, your child may, unprompted, take a bite."
If you'd like to know more about the importance of ensuring that a child's eating is not motivated by psychological, behavioural or emotional factors, you may find these posts interesting:
This is an emotive topic - many parents are unwilling to question the wisdom of the no-thank you bite, especially if it is a long-standing tradition in their house. Whether you agree or disagree, I'd love to hear from anyone who has ideas on the subject.
Food allergies and intolerances are a common problem. According to figures from the USA, since the late 1990 s, the rates of reported food allergies in children has been increasing almost five-fold.So does this have an impact on picky eating and food refusal?
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When I first wrote about the blog 'sneaky veg' in this post about the merits (or not...) of hiding healthy food so that your children eat more of the good stuff without noticing and therefore rejecting it, I never imagined that it would culminate in a book review!
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This is the first of my new series of book reviews that I will be posting at the end of every month. And what a great place to start. I'm always really interested to read what other people have to say about picky eating and Dina Rose did not disappoint. A sociologist by training, Dina’s academic background has given her the ability to step back and notice patterns of behaviour that contribute to poor eating habits.
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This is the first of many posts where I'll be answering readers' questions about picky eating. If you have a query about how to help your fussy eater, get in touch via the page and I'll answer as many as possible in future posts.
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